I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
