um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
