nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
