best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize