Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
