Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
