remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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