Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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