Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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