genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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