if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
