So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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