I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
