I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
