theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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