Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
