Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize