I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
