well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We are two peas in an std pod
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Randomize
