Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she peed on how many people?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
