i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
