I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
