I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
