I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
