Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
