I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
