Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
