Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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