your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
