Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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