I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
