dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
