and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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