I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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