There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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