Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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