How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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