He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize