I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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