i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
