so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize