remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
