I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize