I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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