Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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