happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
