trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i've created a new STD.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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