I seem to have left my pride at pride
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
