i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize