I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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