We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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