I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
