WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
