the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
