my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
