the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
