our cab driver is having phone sex.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
