Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
