The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
even my farts smell like vagina
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
