if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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